Lessons Learned

I don't mind sharing that I am 34 years old as of yesterday afternoon. I look DARN good for my age, and actually consider it bragging to reveal my age. I constantly hear "Wow, you're in your 30's?? Seriously??" I love it, so please keep it up for as long as it's true. :-) :-)

Well you don't live 34 years without making a lot of serious observations about this journey we call life. Here are a few things I have learned throughout my life; these are time-tested truths that I'd like to share with you.

It's fairly easy to tell whose really in your corner. The people that have your back no matter what are consistent. Consistency is key. You know those people that are all giggles and smiles and sharing deep, dark secrets when you're alone? Well, if these people behave differently toward you in the company of others, that's a serious red flag. To me, that screams "I like you for the most part as a person and think you're really nice and/or cool, but the other people that I'm closer to don't like you, or wouldn't approve of me being friends with you." And isn't this how we behaved in high school? Yeah, run like the wind from these people.

The number of friends you have is directly related to how you treat people. If you are nice to people and really care about them, at least 85% of them will return the feeling and behavior. It's simple math, yet some people still get confused by it. They wonder why they lack friends and even long for them. It's easy to wish for fruit during harvest time when we haven't sown any seeds seasons prior. But wishes like this are futile.

The world will move on without you. People can get over you if you give them enough time. If you are difficult to be around, then it's just not worth it, and people will soon learn to adjust to life without you. As painful as it is to cut ties with a friend, spouse, or other loved-one, if you're more trouble than you're worth, people will move on, and the earth will still rotate on its axis, somehow.

Your children will most likely turnout just like you... Not like you WANT to be or who you THINK you are, but who you actually are. So if you're the type of person that's slightly delusional about how you affect others, just watch your kids grow up. You will see your traits come out in them. Good and bad. It's cute, yet can be scary if you are unaware of who you are at this point in your life.

The world is full of followers. Even as adults, people are still waiting on someone else to tell them what to do and how to think. Most people seem to live in the moment and aren't grounded in a solid foundation. We are a superficial group of people, the human race. It's so easy to change someone's mind about something and send them in a different direction when something new comes along that's fresh and exciting.

The more you truly learn in this world, the more you are humbled about how much there is to learn. That's why the people who are really smart are the most patient. They know that there is a vast world out there that they do not know about and are eager to learn more and SHARE what they've learned with others. The people who have learned "just enough" to make them "appear" smarter than others are the ones who just sit comfortably on what they learned and spend much of their time ridiculing others who don't know as much. When someone comes along who knows just as much and even more, they fight to keep this person silenced or made to feel inferior. Happens everyday, unfortunately.

The more you truly learn in this world, the easier it is to distinguish between those who KNOW and those to TALK as if they know. When you are asking someone a question and they keep talking over you and don't give you a chance to even state your question clearly...RUN. Find someone who actually has enough knowledge to be of true assistance to you. This world is so full of people who have gotten where they are NOT because of what they know, but...(see next statement)

It's truly not about what you know in this world, rather, it's about WHO you know. Timeless truth. It's so sad, but SO TRUE. Anyone watch Real Housewives of Atlanta? No? Good, that show sucks, yet is heavily addictive for goodness sakes! The women on this show are living proof of this, if anyone is still confused about why their hard work hasn't reaped the benefits they feel are warranted. (Kim Zolciak, I'm looking at you)

You should ALWAYS be thinking ahead of where you are now. For the first time in my life, I understand what this means, and I have actually been living with this mindset. With a deeper understanding of this (and many of the aforementioned statements) I am very excited about where my life is headed! I'm not so focused on the here and now anymore, and I'm especially done trying to impress those directly in front of me. I've outgrown where I am in my life, like a pair of 3-year old pants that are out of season and have worn inseams. Time to move upward and onward which is the right direction! :-) :-) :-)

Transparency

I am a walking collection of images. I believe that most adults are capable of adapting to our current situation as needed. In my case, however, I have a bunch of different personalities on storage to be used as the situation calls for. When I'm at work, I am professional, fun-loving, always happy Tami. When I'm at home, I am lazy, curl up on the couch with my laptop, don't want much excitement Tami. When I'm at church, I am ray of sunshine, life is perfect, everyone's friend Tami.



What these "on-storage" personalities have done over time is shroud the real Tami from most of the world. With the exception of my husband and a couple of VERY close friends, my true, complete identity remains a mystery to most. There is very little that I find more freeing than just being COMPLETELY transparent. Thus the purpose of this post. I'm not revealing everything at once...just two or three things that I tend to keep hidden. Here goes:

1) I am hyper image-conscious.



Most of what I do and say is motivated by how I think I am coming across to others or how I think they will receive me. I have in my mind what I think are the ideal internal and external human qualities (physical beauty, smiles, physical fitness, great posture, super positive outlook on life, etc...) and I work day and night to present this in my everyday walk. This ties in to why I am such a people-pleaser in some ways, and need validation from others. I feel that I need to be sure that the image others have of me is the one I'm trying to present.

2) I am very territorial when it comes to my friends. Here's a quick example. I have a really good friend that I met at work. She and I became extremely close and spent a lot of time together during my first year at the company. Over time, she also began getting to know a couple of other co-workers that I became friendly with. Even though neither of us are as close to the other co-workers as we are to one another, she eventually began feeling obligated to invite them to come along EVERYWHERE that she and I went. And they also began inviting themselves along EVERY TIME she and I were going to hangout for lunch. I became somewhat resentful of the other two co-workers; I felt that they were imposing on the friendship I had; they never interacted with her unless I was around.



Since I was the only link between them and my friend, I expected them to get that and not invite themselves to lunch with us as frequently as they did. Here's the thing: I've been on the other side before too. At my last company, if I became close to "co-worker A" who I sat right next to, "co-worker B" who I wasn't as close to would would come over to our area and invite "co-worker A" to lunch. I was NEVER invited by "co-worker A" OR "co-worker B" to go along with them. EVER. So in my mind, it served as a lesson that one should make their own friends, instead of assuming that you are friends with someone "by-proxy".

I am just now realizing is that maybe the behavior at the last company was actually shady, and the behavior at my current company is more common/normal. And this is most likely the case looking back at the sum total of behavior I was exposed to there. Anyhoo, that's all for now. I'll share more next Sunday.

More Money, More Problems

I felt inspired to bump this post up today. It's from Feb 2007.

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Originally posted on February 20, 2007

The title of this post happens to be inspired by the tenth track on the late Notorious B.I.G.'s album "Life After Death". And, it's actually entitled "Mo Money, Mo Problems", but I have a major problem with the dismissal of proper grammar. I've always been interesting that way. But I digress...

Lately, I have found myself thinking a lot about people that I know who are wealthy. There is a definite pattern among these individuals/couples that I simply cannot get past. There appears to be a lack of a special love and happiness that I figured was standard for a married couple. In fact, I will go as far as to say that an underlying contention is present and I find this unsettling. I think to myself, "Ah, this absence of happiness must be associated with the lifestyle that is accompanied by huge incomes". There is a reason why this thought has been more prevalent in my mind recently.

Chris and I have always been that couple that loves going on long drives and remarking on how different areas that we are familiar with have changed over time. We enjoy driving through communities in East Cobb County and looking at the gargantuan homes with awe. Never once do we actually discuss living in an area such as this; it has just never come up in conversation. However, now that Chris is in law school, we both know in the back of our minds that the possibility that we will end up in one of these areas now exists. If Chris completes law school, and takes his career in a particular direction, who knows what type of lifestyle we will be able to afford! I definitely think about this from time to time.

To be honest, sometimes my mind travels down a road that leads directly to fear. Every now and then, it crosses my mind that Chris and I could become "that couple". You know, the one that used to be happy before they started making so much money. That scares me sometimes, to be completely honest. So I spent some time in prayer over this a while back. Over the course of time I began to realize something that could only have come from the blessing of God's wisdom. The sum total of your family life will not be determined by how much money you have in your bank account. Actually, what affects your life and all those in it will be based upon the importance that money (and the things that money can buy you) has over your life.

For example, there is a couple that is a part of my family and I'm privy to their financial situation. The husband and wife both make what I would consider to be somewhat comfortable incomes. If you look at the way that they live, however, you would guess that they were both pulling in six-figure salaries. Here's the thing: there is a constant battle of wills in their marriage. The wife is "always wanting more" because she is used to spending every dime that they have, and always feels that stretching their income just "one more inch" won't make a huge difference on their livelihood. Since I've known them, they've lost two homes to foreclosure, lost one of their vehicles suspiciously, and always seem to be digging themselves out from under the mound of worry and grief that is debt. Yet every time I see them, they are looking for a way to get a bigger home, or a brand new car, or something along those lines.

Then there's the example of David VanConkrite. He was a hugely successful businessman, with connections in all of the right places. He and his wife Janice owned a sprawling mansion and other homes across the country. They played tennis regularly with A-list celebrities. However, David and Janice wanted so much more out of life. They are extremely wealthy, but decided that they could only be truly happy if they used the large amount of money that they generated to reach out to others that are less fortunate. Thus, they sold their lavish homes, expensive cars, and put most of what they had into a ministry here in Atlanta known as Blood-N-Fire ministries. They live in a comfortable home inside of the perimeter and drive cars similar to what a person with a mid-level income could afford. AND they are probably the happiest couple that you could ever have the pleasure of being around. The love they have for each other and for the ministry just bounces off of them and permeates whatever room they are in.

In a nutshell, it's not the size of your income that has the most control over your happiness. No, what matters is what you happen to deem most important in this one life we get to live here on Earth. For most of us, unfortunately, possessions are at the very top of this list, thus contributing to the attitude that no amount of money is ever good enough. This reminds me of the well-known quote from Rockefeller. Someone asked him how much money would be enough for him. His answer was, "Just a little bit more". If that's the way that people choose to live their lives, there's nothing that I can do about it, nor do I wish to. But I am challenging myself to guard my heart, mind, and family in the coming days. God-willing, my family will not become a negative statistic.

Sizing You Up

Liz Dwyer has an excellent post (as always) today that I want to share. I've cited her blog several times here, and for good reason. She usually finds a way to eloquently say what I'm feeling, yet don't know how to express. Please read her latest post entitled "Sizing Me Up". She's right on target.

"Clause" and Effect

I bumped this post up just to reflect for a moment. Life certainly comes at you fast whether you're ready or not. This post was originally written on November 11 at 9:58 am. So many things were different. I was still grieving over the loss of my dog Sheba. I was worried sick about my grandmother in the hospital, and worried just as much over my mother who I could tell was suffering a great deal emotionally.

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Original Date of Post: 11/11/07 - 9:58 AM

Life has certainly been interesting over the past month or so. This morning, I woke up feeling under the weather. My daughter and I are both sneezing all over the place. My hubby went on to church without us, as it seems to have been the case over the past few weeks.

My grandmother is on day 17 in the hospital. At this point, her breathing seems to be under control, but she is completely miserable. They inserted a feeding tube inside of her because she wasn't eating anything. On top of the effects of the emphysema, she is also suffering due to nicotine withdrawal (anxiety, lack of appetite, etc...) She spends a lot of time moaning, which is difficult for everyone around her who loves her to see. Still no word at all on how much longer she'll be hospitalized, or what needs to happen so that she will be ready to return home. My mom has been living in the ICC waiting room at Emory Hospital this whole time. She only goes home once per week to wash clothes and grab a few more things to bring back to the hospital. I think that this is due to the fact that my grandmother gets extremely anxious any second that my mom is not in the room with her. Such a difficult situation.

In some ways I'm still dealing with the fact that Sheba is gone. It sneaks up on me from time to time. I always saved the bones from chicken wings for her, since she loved crunching them. So now, if I'm eating wings, for example, it's like remembering all over again that she's not coming back when I realize don't need to save the bones. You know what I mean? I long to feel her fur on the side of my face while she snuggles with me. I really, really miss her. Still not sure about a new puppy yet...hard to think about in too much detail thus far.

My hubby and I were talking the other day about how short this life is. I really treasure spending time with him. It got me thinking about the people, places and things that I love so much. Getting some free time with my husband; spending a weekend afternoon with my sister; going to Disney World with the family; sitting out in the CNN atrium eating lunch and gabbing with my co-workers; going to the movies/having lunch with my friend Chrissy; going to Golden Corral with the hubby and kids on Saturday afternoon; going to Camp Greenville with the students at Mount Paran; having long phone conversations with my mom;

Nostalgia

–noun
1. a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time: a nostalgia for his college days.

I've been longing for happier times for quite some time now. If you follow my blog at all, you know that the past 3 months have been tough for me and my family. Today, during my regularly scheduled perusal of the blogosphere, I ran across an embedded Youtube video of Keith Sweat ft Jackie McGhee singing "Make it Last Forever" circa 1988. Ahhhhh, the good, old days.

Life was SO simple back when that song was in heavy rotation. I was in the 8th grade at Henderson High School. Every time I look back I think about all of the wasted opportunities in my past. Each time I look back, I want to cry over all of the people that I let down. Whenever I think on old times, I want to hop into a time machine and go back to 8th grade and start over. 8th grade was the virtual "fork in the road" moment in my life. This was my chance to shape my destiny, and shape it I did. I got excepted into an amazing school, and all of the accelerated programs and classes within it. Unfortunately for me, being a braniac wasn't good enough anymore. Actual "work" was required to succeed at this school, and I had ZERO experience with actually working.

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As I was typing this post light night, I heard a LOUD scream coming from my son's room. I ran in there and saw my 2 year-old daughter holding her head in her hands and blood on her face! She and her brother were playing even though they were told to go to bed, and she had obviously fallen and hit her forehead on the foot of my son's bed. My husband and I spent the rest of the night tending to her. I'll have to revisit my thoughts on nostalgia another time, hopefully soon.

Friday: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

What a day:

The Good -

• I met up with one of my best friends, Chrissy L for lunch at House of Chan up in Smyrna today. It's always SO good to spend time with her. I also ran into a young lady that I used to be buddies with that works there.
  
• I got a ton of work done this week, and I'm packing up for the weekend feeling a freedom that I don't usually feel.
  
• I am finally learning to live with peace over the passing of my grandmother. It still aches so much, but I'm starting to settle in to the fact that it was best for her, and that's what matters most, and what I should try and focus on most
  

The Bad -

• I hit someone's car on the way back from lunch today. I was pulling into a parking space at my job, and the front left portion of my fender brushed against the back right bumper of their truck. I can't believe I did that. I'm still getting used to driving Chris's larger-than-life-itself Nissan Titan, so I think that's why this happened
  
• My house is a wreck, and I have to go home to it and face this reality. I guess I know what I'll being doing well into the evening and super early tomorrow morning. Egads.
  
• I just found out that a young lady that is a co-worker of mine has pancreatic cancer and has been diagnosed with only 3 - 6 months to live. She has 3 very small children and this news is very heart-breaking. My fervent prayers will be going out to her and her family.
  

The Ugly -
As I was walking into the breakroom a moment ago, I fell splat on the floor on my way to the crystal springs water cooler. Thank God no one was in there to see me.


I have a bad feeling. I know that I need to pray more often, and times like this serve as a harsh reminder. Weird things keep happening one after another here lately, so either my head is all over the place and I need to focus a little more, or it's something else. I don't believe in omens or anything like that, but I know that the Lord gives us signs through the Holy Spirit, especially when we're in deep prayer.

God be with you all today and the rest of this weekend.

The Saturday Before Christmas

The hubby, kids and I... went out to Golden Corral for breakfast this morning. The kids were REALLY well-behaved. Much more so than normal. I want to attribute this to my consistency as of late as a firm mom. I've continued to be nurturing, but I've been adding a lot of tough love lately. You may have noticed from previous posts that it's been brought to my attention lately that I suck as a mom. Okay that's kind of harsh, but I definitely have to do a much better job of implementing a balance of love and discipline with the kids.

Also, the hubby and I... finally got all of the Christmas shopping for the kids finished. The kids are getting SO much stuff this year, that Chris and I had to bag up and ship to Goodwill almost 3/4 of the toys they already have just to make room for what we bought them today. (Never mind what they still have to open from other family members)

I haven't updated... on my grandmother in a long time. I think I mentioned in a previous post that she was finally released from the hospital and admitted to a rehabilitation facility until she was well enough to resume living with my mom. She was admitted to a geriatric hospital on Friday (yesterday) morning due to complications from severe chest congestion which appeared to be pneumonia. By yesterday evening, the doctor at the hospital said that the x-ray came back and showed no signs that my grandmother had pneumonia. This is the second time in less than two months that my grandmother has entered a hospital and been diagnosed with pneumonia only to be told hours later that she didn't have it. The whole thing is really frustrating...everytime things begin looking up for my grandmother, there's another setback to her health and progress. It almost feels like she will be dealing with this for the rest of her life. But I know my Father better than to even begin to have a lack of hope like this and to accept such negativity.

I just finished watching... "Dorothy Dandrige: An American Beauty". What a tragedy. Much is made of the impact the 1940's - 60's racist America had on Dorothy's troubled life and lack of deserved success. Even though this is very much the case, I was personally more troubled by her horrible family life. Did you know that Dorothy's mother abandoned their father, and took Dorothy and her sister Vivian with her? She began a lesbian relationship with a woman who would ultimately physically, sexually, and emotionally victimize Dorothy for all of her childhood. I often hear people remark on the fact that Dorothy never had luck in her love life as she became an adult and even throughout her entire career. Well of course she didn't! Life is hard enough when you have a stable upbringing. I can't imagine trying to make decisions and cope with adversity when your own home is essentially a prison.

This is probably TMI... (too much info), but I have had a pain in my lower abdominal area for the past 36 hours or so. I'm not sure what is contributing to this. It's not a throbbing or dull pain or anything like that. More of a feeling of pressure that ranges from minor to slightly intense. For you women who have had kids, it reminds me of the way it felt when I was pregnant and the baby was sitting on my bladder. My hubby reminded me that I spent Thursday morning doing my own version of full cardio hour via my iPod and a bunch of dance moves that I haven't tried since earlier this year when I was in perfect shape. I probably pulled an ab muscle. I must note that I called my OB/GYN doctor tonight to see if he could diagnose the problem, and he sounded very bored with me.

I guess I'll try to rest now and hopefully I'll get over this very uncomfortable abdominal issue. I've got a ton of gifs to wrap tomorrow!

SO much to talk about!

I've gotten really behind at work over the last few days, so I'm going to spend the day getting caught up. As soon as I get a break, I'll rattle off a few posts here. There's so much going on and you know that I wouldn't be Tami if I didn't weigh in. :-) I'll be back! (said in thick German/Austrian accent).

Normalcy

That's one of my favorite words...normalcy. It just sounds kind of sexy. I'm trying to get back into the swing of regular life. My household is moving on now somewhat after the horrible week we have had. I'm working from home today, and I'm going to do my best to get the house cleaned up as much as possible. This might help us feel somewhat removed from the chaos we've been living in.

My grandmother is still in the hospital, but I think that she is on the road to recovery. If you are reading this and believe in prayer, she can really use it.

I really don't have a whole lot to talk about these days. I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other and hope that I end up someplace not so horrible. I put all of my faith and trust in the Lord, and I believe that things will be fine. Not fine as I define it, but fine meaning whatever the Lord feels is best for mine and my family's life.

I hope to get back to my regular posting over the next day or two. Thanks for hanging in there with me. :-)

Example of why you ALWAYS need a Plan 'B'

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: "Life comes at you fast!" I just realized that I have NO idea who actually coined that phrase. I only recognize it from the Nationwide Insurance commercial.

In case you don't read this blog regularly, here's a quick summary of the current state of my life. My husband applied to law school early in 2006 thinking that due to his age, and a few other factors, he'd never actually get in. He just wanted to say that he had applied. During the Spring of 2006, he gets accepted into law school! Now, we realize that if he goes part time, it will take about 5 years. Spending 5 years in law school is just not an option at this point in our lives. At all. We determine that we can almost afford to live on my salary alone, and decide that he should try to go full time. The fact that my mom decided to retire around the same time and keep my daughter while my hubby was at school and I was at work confirmed that he had to go for it. Without the second daycare fee to pay for, we knew that we could manage.

We are now at the end of 2007, and my hubby has 4 weeks of class left in this semester, which means that he has gotten through 1/2 of his total time in law school. My grandmother began living with my mother late last year. This past week, my grandmother got very sick. So sick, that she ended up being hospitalized. They told us that they were keeping her overnight. That same evening, my mom was told that my grandmother had pneumonia. We just didn't see that one coming. The next evening (Friday), my mom was told that my grandmother didn't have pneumonia. Praise God! I was so relieved. I went to visit my grandmother in the hospital yesterday (Saturday). She seemed to be doing well, but she kept having episodes where she wasn't able to catch her breath. So at this point, I believe the doctors are running all the tests they can to rule everything out. If the tests reveal nothing that the doctors can remedy via a hospital stay, I know that eventually they will have to send her home. This will leave my mom caring for her full time for an indefinite amount of time.

So this leaves my hubby and I with some quick decisions to make. I can't keep working from home...I need to be in meetings with my colleagues...I need the mental stimulation of being around other people with various technical skills that I can bounce things off of...I need that second pair of eyes...and to be frank, they need me as well. So what do we do?

That remains to be seen... :-/ More later...

Busy, busy, busy

Who isn't busy these days? EVERYONE I know is just completely slammed with one thing or another. As for me, I don't even know where to begin.

I've been having a blast with my kids. They are growing up before my eyes. My son is becoming extremely self-sufficient and I've gotten better at learning what makes both of my kids tick, for the most part. Content kids usually equals a content household. My daughter and I put together a jigsaw puzzle of the continents, seas and oceans. Well, she handed various pieces to me while I put them into place. :-)

My hubby might as well be writing up some billable hours at the law firm where he works. He went to court today, and the entire case was built around his research, and suggestions he made to the defense attorney throughout the trial. The case appears to be in their favor, and the attorney told his client that Chris is the man to thank for all the hard work. How exciting!!!

I hung out with my sister, niece and nephew this afternoon. We had a great time together. We went to Lenox Mall and walked around for a little while, and then grabbed lunch from Wendy's. It was such a relaxing time. Of course, I had to return to work after our time together which was not so relaxing. :-)

I've really been on a roll with boosting my technology expertise. I've got a LONG ways to go before I reach my goals, but they don't seem so far-fetched anymore. That's definitely progress. I've been tasked with some projects that are giving me a real challenge. Hopefully, I'll rise to the occasion.

I just wish I could stay off of the internet all together. I'm starting to think that it's REALLY driving me insane. I've been stressing over avoiding HP: Book 7 spoilers, but the world is so full of DEVASTATING events that it's hard to even think about. It makes my head and heart ache.

I'm off to bed for about 6 hours. I usually look forward to the weekend, but I'm on-call for the first time in about 3 months. Boo.

Taking Control

I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves. - Matthew 10:16

This post is about me, but I think that it will probably be beneficial for many people to reflect upon, despite my lack of specifics.

For my entire life, I have always enjoyed making people happy. Receiving accolades and praise from my peers (people in my generation and older) is a minimum requirement for me. I honestly believed that I had finally gotten over this, especially after I had kids. But I have recently discovered that more than ever, I have a strong desire for approval from my peers in certain situations in my life. Just like anyone else who needs positive affirmation, there is usually a motivating factor that incites this need. Lately, the source of inspiration has been obtaining more for my family.

Well, I can mark today as the day that I decided to take back control of my life. Now, here's where I start getting a little vague. This is only because I don't want to get into specifics about the particular area of my life that I'm taking control of. According to my site meter records, quite a few people read this blog! :-) But, I will say this in an effort to help someone else in a similar situation as myself: If you find that someone in your life is actively controlling the outcome of situations tat involve you, it's time to relinquish their control RIGHT NOW! You may think that they are great people or have your best interests at heart. But if you are in a cyclical, never-ending rut in any aspect of your life due to a particular person or persons, it is time to take control back. Yes, I am a Christian, and should display a meek, loving personality around others. But I've never seen anything in the word of God that said that I was supposed to be completely stupid and let someone else indirectly make decisions that affect the outcome of my life. If you think this may be happening to you, I would suggest that you pray for wisdom and guidance about it, and see how and where the Lord leads you in handling this.

It's time for me to start getting ready for tomorrow, so this day is basically done. But starting tomorrow as soon as I wake up from peaceful slumber (God-willing), I plan to be the proud new owner of areas of my life that were formerly in irresponsible, selfish hands. I'm looking forward to getting those back, finally. We'll see how things turn out over the course of time.